


Afterlight of you

by Vapourwren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Retail, Angst, Character Death, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, First Time, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Major Illness, Out of Character, POV First Person, Romance, Sad and Happy, Secrets, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Switching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 05:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16402454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vapourwren/pseuds/Vapourwren
Summary: Levi’s life was going downhill fast, after loosing his mother and his ex-boyfriend leaking a sex tape online he was struggling to keep it together. Until one night on the way to his new support group after a dramatic turn of events he meets Eren Jaeger, charming, irritating and determined to make Levi fall in love with life again. But Levi has a secret. The proper kind that ruins everything it touches. Is love really worth the price of grief?





	1. Levi - Letters in the darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo! This is my first ever fic for the fandom so please be gentle! It's going to be tough going in parts but I promise it won't last forever. I lost my own Mother a few months back and writing this gave me an outlet. Levi is quite OOC and the POV will switch between chapters. Rated explicit for later chapters, tags will change throughout. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: death/suicide/illness/depression

 

_I’ve started making lists again Mom, do you remember how I used to do it all the time when I was first diagnosed? I’d sit up for hours making lists of things I didn’t want to forget. Then I’d carry them with me everywhere, and whenever I started to feel myself slipping I’d take them out and read them until the world felt steady again beneath my feet. Sometimes they were lists of things that I wanted to happen, and when each one did we’d take a walk down to the docks and throw them into the water. Sometimes we’d put them in little bottles whenever we could find some, and watch the tide carry them out to sea, ‘They’ll become someone else’s wishes now too’ you said._

_I’m the opposite now Mom, I make lists of things that I wish I could forget, things that I wish I could take back. I wonder if you’d recognise me now, a boy filled with regrets and not wishes. I never told you about what happened the night of Isabel’s party, or about the tape Eld posted of me and him, or about the letter I got from the doctors about my scan results. I never told you any of it, so I guess it must have been a pretty big shock when I did to myself forty-five days ago, or rather what i tired to do. I’ve been editing bits out, I’ve not been entirely honest and I’m sorry about that. You must be pretty pissed, but I was pretty pissed about the things you kept from me too, so I guess we’re even now right?_

_I still have one secret, and I’m sorry Mom but I can’t even tell you about it right now, but it's the proper kind. The kind that ruins everything its touches. Time is starting to run out now, and my head is getting pretty crowded again. I don’t for a second think that I’m going to get through this, not the way you did. But by the time this is done everything will be gone, and I guess so will I._

_And the worst part is; I don’t think I could put anyone else through it either._

 

........

I have never know why people always talk about the worst days of their lives like the happen in moments, like one minute your life was normal. Then is it wasn’t. Like sure there was a single moment that everything changed but as bad as those moments are, the worst come later. I have always found that the worst days of your life are never the day of the incident, they come days, weeks, months, sometimes, if you're really unlucky they’ll come years later. The worst part is, you know it’s not the world around you thats the problem, _you_ are the problem. I guess it was one of these days that found me three months ago and told me to slit my wrists, and I guess my good days are gone now, and soon, I will be too. 

Things were starting to get heavy again so a few days ago I called Isabel,and to my surprise, even with all the shit thats happened between us in the past few months, she’s been staying here ever since. There’s an energy in the house since she arrived, like the entire house feels alive with excitement. I’ve always loved her for that, she’s very good at creating possibilities Isabel, she makes me believe that anything could happen. She’s loud in the kitchen, so loud in fact that I can hear her clattering round from the living room. I can even hear the patter of her bare feet on the laminate flooring. She always scurries everywhere Isabel, when we were kids her Dad used to call her scooter. She emerges in the doorway, swinging her make-up bag from her hand.

“Tea or coffee?” She asks. Her red hair has is a wild ball of frizz that brushes her shoulders, I’m glad she decided to cut it, she has always suited it short. She’s taken her make-up off too so her freckles look smattered across her pale skin. If it wasn’t for her thick black glasses she would look kind of savage. I roll onto my back and dangle my head off the side of the sofa, she looks taller upside down.

“Surprise me” I reply, the blood rushing to my head makes me feel really lightheaded. So I start to count to ten got keep myself grounded. Otherwise I feel like I might start to float away.

She mumbles something in response that sounds like ‘you’ll get a headache’ but I don’t care enough to check. Maybe we miss some of the most important moments in our lives by not listening and pretending we did.

When I open my eyes I notice the little stickers me and my mom stuck to the ceiling two Christmas’s ago to cover up the shitty paint job we had done a few months prior. They’re all peeling and half mangled now but at one point they were little white and black birds flying across the patchwork ceiling. It had taken us all night to get them up, because we were both tiny and picky and irritable. I had completely forgotten about that night, about them, until now. I was a different person, then, so was my mom. Healthy enough to be house proud, and the person I was then took that for granted. It seems so foreign to me now, it’s difficult picture my mom without her being ill. It just became part of her. Part of me. Sometimes though, like now, I find little reminders and I’m right there again, putting those damn stickers on the wall. I find pieces of her everywhere, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at the world the way I did, or if I’llalways see everything through grieving eyes.

 

 _Mom, remember that night we condemned those poor birds to our peeling ceiling? I’m sorry I complained. I wonder what if the next people who move into this house will do with them, after we’re gone. I wonder if they’ll think about us putting them up, or they’ll just been another job on their list of things to strip out. I hope the next people they’re over-looking are happier than we ever were_.

I’m so lost in thought that I don’t notice that Isabel is standing over me until two nail polish bottles are hovering over my face.

“Pick your poison. ‘ _Glitter Nightshade Black’_ or ‘ _Fuck me Dorothy Red’_. Choose wisely, this shits almost impossible to get off so your going to be stuck with it for a few days.”

“Black” I reply without missing a beat “Just like my cold dead heart” 

She snorts but doesn’t justify my moping with a comment. I like how normal that is, it’s such a contrast to the last few weeks where she was analysing everything I said for signs. Every time I said something remotely dark she she looked so worried. Furlan just stopped acknowledging it, like it was taboo. Although to Furlan, my feelings have always been taboo. It made being around him so difficult, which was a major problem as usually wherever Isabel went these days, he would be close behind. Which is why this past week has been such a pleasant surprise, Isabel even brought a full travel bag of clothes to fill the spare draw with. I’d been putting off asking how long she was staying, I was too afraid of the answer, but seeing that today put my mind at ease slightly. Even Isabel doesn’t pack that much for a short stay. 

She hands me a steaming mug of tea while she starts shaking the polish bottle. “Drink up because Your not going to be able to move for the next thirty minutes”

“I know the drill Iz” I say between mouthfuls of tea. “I’ve been subjected to your experiments for quite some time now.”

She takes my hand and starts applying the polish to my nails carefully, “just hold still okay Inky?”      

A pleasant silence stretches between us while she works, her brow creased in concentration. It’s not awkward just still and comforting. Nice to have her here, just having her close calms me down. Occasionally my mind starts to wonder others things, like how empty the room seems to be now the hospital bed is gone or how strange it is that the glasses are missing from the coffee table, or that its time for _NCIS_ but the tv isn’t on. I almost start to spiral and count every little thing that is missing, but I just concentrate on watching Isabel’s steady breathing before I feel myself start to fall. She makes it look easy, in and out. Steady secure. Simple.

 

It’s almost one in the morning before she’s finished. Isabel’s been taking a nail art course for a while now, and she very regularly runs out of guinea pigs.She holds my hand up to the light to inspect her work, even I have to admit its pretty good, sultry black glitter with diamanté embellishments. They glisten and sparkle in the light, it almost makes me a little sad that I’m not dating. Nails that fine _deserve_ to be raked down some cute guys back.

“Admit it, I’m pretty funking awesome aren’t I?” She says sticking her tongue out so her piercing is visible. I always forget she has it. She got it done just after her and Furlan started dating. No surprise there, because he always loved mine. I wonder who brought it up first, and if when they kiss it makes him think of me.

“You going to leave me hanging there bud?” She says waving a hand in front of my face “Do you think that I am, in fact, not pretty fucking awesome?”

That makes me chuckle “Sometimes, when you feel like it.”

I try and lie back down completely but Isabel beats me to it, stealing my place on the sofa. “Hey Inky, if you had to choose, gun to your head, between that weird dude next door and that guy on the bus who sniffs peoples hair who to date, how many bullets would you take?”

 

That catches me off guard and I snort, then we both loose it. I keep waiting for the sadness inside me to swallow the moment from me, but it doesn’t. So I laugh harder and relish the smile on Isabel’s face before she crumples up in laughter again. I suddenly I want to take it all back, all the hurt between us.

“Will you tell me next time? Next time you think like that again.” She asks suddenly. I don’t say anything, I don’t even know how to begin apologising to her. She takes my hand again and starts running her thumb over the bandage on my wrist, which is hiding the healing scar beneath it. “Even if it’s just for a second, okay?”

Her eyes are shining, it looks like she’s about to start crying. Isqueeze her hand as hard as I can. Sometimes it hits me just how awful the thing is that I’ve done, how close me and Isabel are, how much history there is between us and the guilt of what I’ve done sucker-punches me from nowhere. Everything just floods in all at once, like how were all just made of bones and skin. I think about how fragile we are. Paper skin over cardboard bones, so easily ripped and torn. Tears sting my eyes and threaten to escape down my cheeks.

“I’ll tell you. I promise.”

“Okay.” She sniffs. “But watch you fucking nails please, they be dryyiiinnnngggg bitch” she waves our joined hands under my face. We both laugh again and the sound vibrates around the empty room, so much that it almost empties out all the sadness that’s collected in there.

 

Almost, but not quite. 

 

 

………..

 

 

On Thursday mornings I have my routine session with Dr Jaeger, he’s a medical doctor by trade but he also heads up the _Bright Futures_ program here in Shiganshina Hospital. There’s always at least a fifteen minute wait before you can see him, it’s standard practice now. Which is why I started bringing a magazine. His office is situated in sort of lay-by in the corridor, with chairs arranged neatly in a semi circle against the wall. Someone, in their infinite wisdom had also put possibly the lowest coffee table in existence in the centre to occupy the space. Which was as much use as a chocolate teapot to place beverages on but was the perfect height to use as a footstool. Which is exactly what the boy facing me was doing. He was already here when I arrived which is not unusual it is a communal area, but I defiantly hadn't seen him before, I’d remember. He’s strikingly attractive. All tanned skin and lean muscle, with light brown hair that sits in an unruly mop on his head. He’s the type of boy that twelve months ago I would have been freaking out about, gushing to Isabel about. I was a different person then.

He keeps leaning back on his chair, causing his makeshift footstool to scape across the group and make the possibly the most sickeningly, irritating noise in the world. One of the nurses who was sat across from us filling out some paperwork glares at him.

“Eren, can stop that please?” Eren just smirks, pauses for a second then continues, except this time he does it much slower so the sound drags on for longer. It’s excruciating.

“Eren.” Another glare. Another smirk. “Please stop. I’m I’ll get you thrown out if you carry on.”

Eren lets the chair connect with the floor and bows his head in defeat. He then reaches around in the pocket of his leather jacket and pulls out a cigarette.

“You can’t smoke in here Eren.” The nurse says, not even looking up.

Eren then makes a huge show of angrily returning the cigarette to the packet in his pocket. When she doesn’t respond he just shrugs and looks around the room and starts humming and tapping out some rhythm on his thighs. In the past five minutes, I have come to the conclusion that he may be the most annoying human I have ever met. Possibly the most attractive too, but defiantly the most annoying. He continues his rhythmical beat and glands around the room, he seems fairly disinterested in his surrounds until his eyes land on me and doesn’t look away. I attempt to go back to my magazine but I can feel Eren staring at me. The heat rises on my face and fairly certain I’m turning a delightful shade of red. _He must recognise me from that video_ I think. I hate that it follows me round everywhere, even people I’ve never spoken to have seen it, seen _me_ that intimately. I curse myself for the millionth time for agreeing to it, and Eld for posting it online. I sneak a glance back at him and he’s actually leaning forward and squinting at me, not even trying to be discreet. I have a temper, a bad one, have I mentioned that? So while one half of me is this sad, lonely, grief consumed person at the moment, the other half is still the angriest bitch on the planet. I almost feel like apologising to the people who have been stuck with me the past few months. The asshole across from me actually leans forward to observe me, stroking his chin like he’s in deep thought. That is the final straw, my patience snaps.

“What!?” I snap slamming the cover of my magazine shut.

He doesn’t seem bothered by my outburst, he just leans back and puts his hands behind his head. “Sorry, I’m just trying to decide if you’re a guy or a girl.’’

“I’m a fucking guy” I shout. He has an accent, Australian? Or is he from New Zealand? I’m not sure.

Theres a few beats of silence. “….Are you sure?” He deadpans and I almost jump out of my seat and clock him in his perfect pretty face. Like most people in this fucking town he has no tact, or decency. Or any knowledge of how to act like a decent fucking human being.

“Yes!” I raise my voice again which earns me disapproving looks from he nurses as they walk past.

He sighs and shakes his head, he even has the audacity to look disappointed “Damnit, a face like that are _wasted_ on a guy, or wasted for me anyway. Oh well!” He jumps to his feet and pockets his phone “Thats enough questioning my sexuality for one day.”

My blood boils. “Fuck you!” I snap.

He holds his hands up in defence. “Woah woah woah, I was just joking! You are just a little spitfire aren’t you?” He has the gaul to wink at me, and I seriously consider shoving my size five shoe up his perfect tanned ass. Thankfully, he shoulders his bag and heads towards the exit, saluting to the nurse as he goes past. 

“Tell the old man I stopped by but he was taking too long.” He tells her as he opens the door to walk through. I’m actually shaking with anger as I watch him leave, I’m awful at confrontation but one of the angriest people alive. So that for the next few hours afterwards I’ll replay it over and over and think of all the things I should have said instead. It’s fucking torture.

“Pay him no mind dear, I have known Eren since he was in diapers and he has always been hard work.” She smiles at me and subdues the rage inside me slightly. “He just doesn’t have a filter.”

“Or manners.” I add and she laughs. She’s about to say something else but Dr Jaeger’s office door opens and he pokes his head out.

“Levi, my apologies for the wait. Please come in.” He opens the door wide and I gather my things and walk through the open door, the nurse smiles at me again, but I can’t bring myself to smile back. I take a seat and wait for Dr Jaeger to take his seat opposite before silencing my phone. As much as I dislike these sessions I just can’t being myself to dislike Dr Jaeger. He has shoulder length hair and a kind smile, it wouldn’t be too difficult to imagine that he had been a hippy in a past life. Today marks our tenth session, and I feel no different than the first time I walked in this room. It always starts the same.

 

“How are you feeling Levi?” he asks leaning back in his chair to observe me.

“I’m okay, you?” I kick my feet under the table, it’s quite tall so they barely scape the ground.

“You know, I’m very good, thank you for asking. But let's focus on you, how has this week been?”

“About the same.” I’m stuck on repeat, groundhog day everyday.

“Do you feel like you are coping okay? Any more plans or suicidal thoughts?”

The directness is his latest technique, he used to tiptoe around me, him being vague just made the questions easier to deflect. “None as of late.” Thats a lie. Just this morning I saw a bus coming down and imagined stepping out in front of it. Those thoughts used to just pop into my head for a second, but now they linger and are getting harder to ignore. Soon they’ll become so loud I wont be able to ignore them at all.

“How about job hunting? How is that going?” A few months ago I would have loved talking about my job, how I had just signed with a decent design agency and I was making money from my work for the first time. Isabel had just got an offer the work in a photography studio and we’d sit outside on the steps to the train station, our phones in hand, looking at all the places we could go. The world felt huge and borderless, like nothing could stand in our way. That feels like a lifetime ago now. My current financial situation leaves little room for dreams of any kind.

“Retail mostly, I need something with a fixed wage.” Dr Jaeger just nods along, as if he understands everything I’m saying. I like that about him. I could tell him anything and he would just nod.

“Are you still living in the house all by yourself?”

“Isabel has been staying.”

“Ah thats good, it’s good that you’ve not been on your own during the night. The evenings are were usually the most difficult for you weren’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“Are they still that way?”

“…Sometimes. Having Isabel around helps. I’ve been looking at what was causing problems, to see if I can find a solution to them.” He nods again, but this time it’s his approval nod. I’ve spent enough time around him now that I can read him like the back of my hand.

“Levi, I’ve been thinking. I don’t know just how useful these sessions have been for you, but I want to try something different.” Oh God, I don’t like the sound of this.

“Yeah?”

“Theres a group session run in the evening by another member of the _Bright Futures program_. I think you would benefit greatly from it.” I want to say no, I can taste the words on the tip of my tongue but then I remember the worry on Isabel’s face this morning, how tired and sad she looks all the time and how much I hate seeing her like that. I hate that I’m the one who’s done it to her. I take a deep breath, hold the air in my lungs until it burns. 

“Okay” I say, more in defeat than agreement. I’ve got to make my mind up; if i’m going to have a future or not. Right now, living like I’m planning on dying is tearing everything apart.

“Good. They have a session this evening, I’ll give you the details before you leave. Now then, one other thing,” He says reaching to the side and picking up a file. My file. “are you going to let me discuss this with you? Have you thought more about what we discussed during our last session?”

My heart sinks inside my chest. It sinks all the way down until it reaches my feet. I don’t speak, I just shake my head. Dr Jaeger starts talking but I just zone out, I can still hear him talking but my brain doesn’t register anything, all I can think about is Isabel’s words last night. He keeps talking until silence fills the air between us and I realise that I’ve just managed to completely block out and entire conversation convincingly, I almost don’t know if to be concerned or impressed. Dr Jaeger looks tired and almost disappointed by my silence, he looks around his desk, at my file, at his hands, and finally back to me.

“I’ll tell Hanji to expect you tonight then.”

“Yeah, that would be good”

“Good thats settled then.”

I turn around to start gathering my things, my exit is always swift. It always feels like I can’t quite catch my breath in this office, as soon as I’m back outside it feels like a pressure has been lifted from my chest. 

“And one more thing Levi.” I’m almost at the door, one hand on the handle, I can even hear the hustle and bustle of the world outside, I’m seconds away from feeling like I’m part of the living world again, instead of this suffocating place where death clings to the walls.

“I understand that you need time, I’m more than happy to give it to you, but that time is starting to run out now. You have people around you that you _have_ to consider too, it’ll be worse all round if you don’t. You will regret it. At the end, your mother did too.”

I want to tell him to shut up, that it’s none of his business what I do, nor is it his place to talk about Mom. Instead, I just nod and say goodbye, and that I’ll see him next week, because I notice the dark circles around his eyes and how hollow his face has become these past few months. And when all is said and done, he’s right. I know that he is, It’s just every time I try to actually say the words out loud there is this voice at the back of my head that screams _Not yet, not yet_ and I crumble. I manage to keep it together until I’m out of the hospital and then I break. The sun is just starting to set and the sky is splashed with red and orange. 

It’s so pretty that it takes my breath away. For the briefest moment I forget about the crippling grief that lives in my chest. Just for the briefest moment.  

 


	2. You jump, I jump remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi run into each other again, although this time it’s under more dramatic circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's first chapter wooo! I really enjoy writing Eren in this so far. The first few chapters are already done so I’ll probably be updating pretty regularly to start with. There are frequent mentions of suicide in this chapter and the one to follow, so just a heads up!

Shiganshina has possibly the most bipolar climate in the history of surprisingly boring tourist towns. It’s windy most of the year, blistering hot for a couple of weeks then back to windy, wet and cold for the remainder. It suits it though, in the _Wuthering Heights_ kind of way. Although I doubt dear old Heathcliff had to put up with tourists, don’t even get me _started_ on the tourists. It's almost like living in a fish bowl. I had to battle a herd of them walking home from the hospital. All complete with their brightly coloured anoraks and their battered cameras pointed at some of the most depressing buildings I have ever seen.

The town itself was famous for it’s docks and back in the day, was one of the biggest shipping ports in the US. Just a bunch of old dreary shacks if you ask me. Not that anyone ever does mind you. I’d always been vocal about not wanting to leave Australia, but my dad met some girl back in the states while on business and we moved back the following year. That was over thirteen years ago, and I’m still holding a grudge. I managed to escape for a short time to go to collage in NYC, then the accident happened, and well, here I am back at square one. Stuck here and once again, baring the crippling shame of being the family disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment, I can even hear it in my father’s sigh when he enters the kitchen and spots me sitting at the island counter reading a comic book. He doesn’t speak right away, just pours himself a coffee and paces around a bit.

“I need you to behave yourself tonight, okay Eren?”

I nod. Dads flustered, I could tell the second he got home. All restless pacing and muttering to himself. “And I thought I told you to do the washing up before Dina got home?”

I look up from the comic book in my hands and stare at it confusion, “This isn’t the washing up?” I ask pointing at it. “My mistake Dad, I’ll get on it right away.”

But I don’t move, I just reach over and pick up the local newspaper instead and open that. The little vein on his forehead starts to throb and that’s when I know I’m reaching the end of his patience.

“Why do I have to _behave_ anyway? I thought therapy was supposed to be my safe place to work through my problems?”

“There’s a new member going tonight, and they’ve been through a lot and I would appreciate if you didn’t scare them off the first night.”

“And what have I done that’s so appalling?” I already know the answer. There’s a few actually he could pick from, but I’m interested to see which one he’ll go for. 

“How about the time you were asked to bring a song or sound that helped you relax?”

“And?” I ask, placing the newspaper on the counter, “what was so bad with my contribution?”

“You played porn Eren, you played porn through the speakers of the community centre. They could hear it all over the building. The children’s group was in the next room”

I try to keep a straight face, I really really do. You have to believe me that I honesty do try.But I can’t an I erupt into laughter.

“Yeah and that helps me relax. What do you _expect_? You married a sex therapist. The woman actually asked about my _masterbation process_ the other day. Like I’m twenty-two and need tips.”

“People go there to cope with their grieving process Eren and you treat it as one big joke.”

“Fine. Let me quit, I’m only there because you make me go.”

“You weren’t coping either. Before I started making you go you didn’t even get dressed or leave the house. I just wish you’d channel your energy into doing something....productive. Have your thought about when you’ll be going back to collage?”

“Is Armin ever going to stop being dead?”

“No, but-“

“Then never.”

He sighs again and closes his eyes, I can tell he’s counting to ten in his head. “You can’t keep blaming yourself forever Eren. Eventually you’re going to have to forgive yourself and move on. I just hope that when that time comes, you can still have the life you’ve worked so hard for. You don’t deserve anything less.”

 _I don’t even deserve to still be breathing. Let alone act like nothing happened._ I run my hand down my leg to where the bone still forms a little bump, where it never did quite heal right. _I deserve to be far worse off than this_. Broken bones heal with time, but Armin’s cracked skull will never heal. Even after we’re all long dead and gone, Armin will still have that fucking hole in his head. And that bothers me.

“I know you miss him son.” Dad says ruffling my hair as he goes past to put his empty mug in the sink. “But you have to stop blaming yourself, that accident was not your fault.”

Yeah, well, tell that to Armin’s empty seat at collage and his empty bed in his Grandfathers empty house. We’ll soon see how much pain I’ve caused. I can’t go back to school because everything can’t go back to normal now Armin’s gone. There has to be some kind of lasting consequence for what happened, proof that Armin’s death was so important it destroyed something irrevocably. And the only thing that deserves to be destroyed is me. It’s that simple. Dad sighs in defeat and rakes his hand down his face. He looks tired since the accident, like he hasn’t slept properly since it happened.

“Just…be good tonight okay Eren?” He says as he goes to leave the kitchen, but stops and puts a hand on my shoulder squeezing hard. “And be safe son. Always be safe.” My heart breaks a little as I watch him go.

 

_I’m sorry I’m like this Dad, I really really am sorry._

 

 

…….

 

 

 _“And be safe son. Always be safe.”_ I replay my Dad’s words over and over I’m my head as I take my usual walk along the docks on the way to _Bright futures_. Bad things never usually happen to me they just happen to the people around me. Sometimes, I believe that I have this kind anti death force field shit going on. Like all self destructive shit I do just bounces back off me and hits whoever is closest to me. I think thats what happened to Armin, he got too close to me and paid the price.

I jump over the barricade that separates the normal people from the water and the impending drop ,and walk along the edge of the wall. It’s high and the tide is out, the fall would definitely be lethal. I let go of the ledge and stretch my arms out for balance as I walk, like a trapeze artist, or one of those tightrope walkers that walk across buildings, the ones with the big poles and shit. The wind picks up and a particularly strong gust almost knocks me off, I look down and the ground swirls beneath me. I like it. I like the way my heart skips a beat inside my chest, it makes me feel alive. The ledge itself is pretty narrow so I have to put one foot in front of the other to keep my balance. Some of the bricks come loose as I step on them and I make a game of it, Russian roulette with bricks instead of bullets. Not as exciting mind you, but the end result is the same. I look up from my feet to the path ahead and that’s when I see him, the guy from the hospital earlier. He’s on the other side of the rail, just like me. His hair is a wild black mop as the wind rakes through it. He almost looks as if he’s flying. 

“Wow twice in one day, I’d say you're stalking me.” I call over.

He turns to look at me but he doesn’t react, he stares at me with red, glassy eyes. I don’t think he’s up here for the thrill like me, I think he’s here for a very different reason. He tries to take a step back but one of the stones under his feet move and he almost looses his balance. He grabs the rail with two hands, his knuckles turning white. His features catch me off guard again, he’s pretty, more than he has any right to be. He has a heart shaped face and deep chocolate coloured eyes that shine against his ivory skin. He reminds me of Snow White, all he’s missing is the blood red lips, which could very well gain in the next few minutes if I don’t manage to get him back over the railing. I look down at the ground beneath us, past the seagulls flying low squawking away, past the little boats pegged into the sand that have been forgotten about, I look past everything, and look directly at the sand and rocks that make up the shore. I try to imagine it- like really imagine it- what would happen to Levi if he falls. _If I can’t save him._ I picture him down there, head split in two, just like Armin was in the car seat next to me. Just still and empty and _gone_. The image terrifies me, so much that I know I have to do anything I can to prevent it from happening.

“I know i was a dick before but I didn’t think it was _that_ bad.” He still doesn’t laugh he just stares at me with big wide eyes. His whole body is shaking which tells me I’m running out of time. I let go of the railing with one hand and put it on my chest.

“I’m Eren Jaeger. I didn’t get to introduce myself properly before. I was waiting for my Dad you see, he’s a doctor at the hospital. It always makes me nervous waiting there, so when I get nervous I deflect and develop a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. Your name is Levi isn’t it? I heard the nurse in the lobby call you it”

He blinks at me, thats the only indication I have that he has heard me. It’s not much but I’ll take it. I move closer to him along the narrow path, with my back now against the railing mirroring him. A gust of strong winds rips along the pier and Levi almost looses him footing again, he’s starting to panic now, like he’s only just realised where he is. For the first time in since the accident I wish my dad was here, he would know exactly what to say and what to do. I’m sweating so much that my hands are starting to slip on the rail so I have to grip it tighter. But all I know is that I _have_ to get him back over that rail, I can’t watch someone else die when I could have stopped it.

“I need you to listen to me Levi, and trust me. Do you think you can do that?” he squeezes his eyes shut and nods.

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay thats great, now move back along the rail until theres a gap in the wall. Then I need you to turn around _carefully_ and then lift your leg back over the rail. Do you think you can do that for me?”

He nods again and as he attempts to turn around he makes the fatal error of looking down. 

“Oh shit. Oh shit. Ohshit,ohshit,ohshit,ohshit.”

“Levi, _look at me.”_ he drags his eyes away from the ground to meet mine. “It’ll be okay, I know we’re high up but it doesn’t matter. You are _not_ going to fall okay? I’ll fucking kill you if you do”

His chest is heaving now, big rasping breathes that rattle his entire body. He begins to move back along the rail and turns around without falling, so he’s now facing safety, his back to the impending fall.

“Thats brilliant mate, now all you have to do is swing your leg back over that railing and it’ll all be over.” He nods again. In one fluid motion he swings his leg over, and his entire body is backon safe ground. I take my hand off the railing to fist pump the air and almost fall myself. _Well done Eren, that would just be the perfect way for you to die, as a result of your own stupidity_ I think. I shimmy my way back along the railing the same way Levi just did and swing my leg over. My landing is far less graceful and my ass ends up on the floor, but as soon as my back connects with the concrete the relief is imminent. When I feel steady enough to open my eyes, Levi is sitting up with his knees tucked tightly under his chin. He doesn’t look relieved, he just looks very still and very sad. I know that look, I’ve been wearing it for the past year. I drag myself to my feet and my leg almost gives under me and I wince, sometimes like now the pain seeps back into my bones and makes it difficult to stand.

I hold my hand out to Levi to help him up but he ignores me. “Well mate, thats quite enough excitement for one day.”

His entire body is shaking right down to his toes, but he still doesn’t speak. His wrists are banged right up to his forearms which puzzles me for a minute and then the penny drops; that wasn’t the first time he’s tried something like this. He catches me staring at his arms and tries to pull the sleeves of his shirt down but they don’t quite reach and he starts to fidget, the discomfort evident on his face.

“Here.” I say taking my jacket off and slipping it onto his shoulders. He’s like ice to touch, he must have been up there a good while before I got there. “You are _freezing_ mate.”

“I can’t take that.” He finally looks at me. “people will talk.”

I just shrug. “Who’s arsed about who I give my jacket to? There isn’t even anyone else round” 

He looks like he wants to argue but the wind picks up and he wraps the jacket around himself properly. Up close like this I can see how clear his skin is apart from a light smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose and his cheeks. But its his eyes that stand out, they’re darker up close, deep dark pools that look like you could fall into. He’s dainty too, even sitting down I can tell how small he is. 

“Where were you headed anyway? Where was so bad that you decided to take a flying lesson on the commute?”

He just shrugs. “ _Bright futures_ group session.” He sniffs, put pulls my jacket closer round him, which makes my chest feel all funny.

“Oh well then, that explains everything.” I take a seat next to him “I was on my way to the same place. It’s made me want to do away with myself a fair few times, I’ll tell ya.” I cringe internally, _this guys literally just been about to jump to his death and your making light of it, good one Eren you fucking moronic halfwit_. Levi must think the same because he gives me a puzzled look.

“I’m sorry, I’m just really nervous, I talk shit when I’m nervous. I know I need to talk to you about what you- what just happened, and I don’t know how to do it, sorry.”

“You don’t have to do anything, you could have just carried on walking.” He pulls my jacket up over his mouth so just his eyes and nose are visible. If the circumstances were different I would would even go as far as to describe him as cute. I mentally kick myself for thinking like that at a time like this. “Your not responsible for me.”

 _“I’m too involved now. You jump, I jump. Remember?”_ I say complete with a borderline offensive American accent, that sounds like no American ever. It doesn’t even sound like someone impersonating an American accent, it’s that bad. Levi’s eyes widen in surprise, or possibly even disgust. Both would be justified.

“Oh my God! What is wrong with me?!” I hide my head in my hands and literally feel like going back to the railing and flinging myself off it. I feel like an idiot, I wouldn’t be surprised if Levi thinks I am too. “Like what am I saying?! Why am I quoting _Titanic,_ right at this very moment? Why do I think that thats okay?!” Sometimes, I actually hate myself. Why can’t I just act like a normal, functioning human being.

However, then something wonderful happens; Levi laughs. Not just a giggle either like full on laughs and we both look surprised. He’s that taken back that he claps his hand over his mouth as if he’s done something wrong. We stare at each other for a few seconds then burst into laughter simultaneously. It’s the wonderful, clutching your side, gasping for air laughter that leaves you breathless and lifts your soul a little. It feels so good, especially with all the built up tension of the last few minutes. People walk passed us and must think we’re crazy, we must look it, both sitting their howling in laugher on the damp concrete. By the time we’ve both calmed down Levi’s still smiling.

“That was - wow, I’m _actually_ impressed.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m this way. It’s like my brain just switches off and gives me random shit to say and it’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.”

He giggles again and shakes his head. “There were _worse_ things you could have said I guess. Plenty of better things like, but plenty of worse too.”

“I’m glad you see it that way. It was worth it though, in a way, because it made you laugh.” Levi looks surprised for a second and then nods.

“I guess so.” He says.Theres a silence that stretches between us, not unpleasant but there is a tension that sits in the air. 

“So,” I begin, clearing my throat “are you going to tell me what made you go up there?”

He doesn’t answer at first, but then he simply states; “My Mom died, and I miss her I guess.” I bow my head in understanding. He’s just sad, and missing someone. It’s like looking in a mirror, he’s had a whole punched though his life. Just like me. My heart aches for him, and for like the millionth time today I wish I wasn’t so useless with this stuff, I wish I knew what to say to him to take that ache away. I guess if I knew that then I wouldn’t have been up there either, he was just a little more direct in his approach, but we were both up there because we wanted to feel something else. Something other than the gaping hole someone leaves behind when they go.

“I’ve been there. Tell you what, lets ditch group today. I’d say we’ve earned it wouldn’t you?” I ungracefully climb to my feet and offer him a hand up, which this time he accepts.

“What did you have in mind?” He asks rubbing his eyes, in an attempt to make them appear less tearful.

“You’ll see when we get there.” I say and just start to walk. For a second I think that Levi’s not going to join me bu then he catches me up and we fall into sync walking side by side. I finally let out the breath I didn’t even realise I’d been holding. 

“We’re going to one of my favourite places in the universe, that’s all you need to know.”

I’ve only known this kid existed a few hours but I just _know_ I have to do anything in my power to keep him safe tonight. I can’t handle anymore death, even if I never see him again after tonight, I just have to know that he’s going to be okay. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
